Just be yourself

I saw a post the other day on social media that said, “I will aim to be the kind of widow my husband would be proud of.”

Honestly, it went all through me. My late husband Joe already was proud of me, when he was here, standing right in front of me. Proud of the wife I was to him, of the daughter I was to my parents, the mom I am to my son.

And now I’m supposed to keep making him proud?

My Joe knew me better than anyone on the planet. He wouldn’t be surprised at a lot of things. Like the fact that I haven’t slept completely through the night since he went into cardiac arrest. That I still spray his cologne on my pillow and cry when I hear certain songs. Or that I can’t change the channel fast enough when I see Jake Gyllenhaal or Anne Hatheway on tv (see For the record . . . – WidowSpeak – Random thoughts after losing my husband for reference).

But trying to make him proud of how well I can do this life without him seems ridiculous. And what would he say if he could? Would he say he’s pleased when I compartmentalize my feelings so I can manage to get through the day? That he’s proud of how I stressed over selling his car or giving away his clothes? Or that he likes how I struggle with being lonely and love-starved but can’t imagine being with someone else? How could he possibly be proud that I am barely making it some days? He already knew I was strong. He wouldn’t be surprised that I’m surviving. It’s the ‘barely’ part I would never want him to know.

As widows and widowers, we don’t need the added pressure of disappointing our deceased spouses from beyond the grave. Don’t do that to yourself. Know that you are doing the very best you can at this moment in time. And keep doing it. You got out of the bed and went to work. Be proud of that. You remembered to pay the property taxes. Be proud of that. You planted your own garden, and things are starting to bloom. Be proud of that.

Like the late-great Chris Cornell said, “to be yourself is all that you can do”. Don’t let any person, book, quote or meme tell you otherwise.