True believer

I broke the cardinal rule of online dating this week. I sent a second message to the one and only local match I’ve received since activating my profile. You guessed it – “no pictures guy”. I’m disappointed. Not because he never answered me, but because he hasn’t even logged in since before I sent my first message. I get it. I did the same thing. I downloaded two other apps, filled out my profile, got all freaked out about it – filled with guilt, fear, anxiety – deleted them both without even looking. I was hopeful this time would be different, excited even when his profile showed up. And then nothing . . .

So, I crafted a new message. Y’all know me, I love to write. It wasn’t super lengthy and hopefully didn’t sound desperate. I really just said I hoped he’d log in again, but if he wasn’t interested, I understand. Dating is hard enough. Being single in your sixties is hard enough. Add that you spent the last few decades madly in love with someone who was there one day and gone the next.

Well, it’s all just hard.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last six months or so. From how I react to rejection, to how quickly I can fall for someone. I spend a little too much time fantasizing about what I want life to be like. I have way too much time on my hands, and it is difficult to turn off my brain most nights. And then there’s all that love. All that love and no one to give it to. I’ve learned that I was meant to be a partner, a support, half of a whole. I love being in love. I love taking care of someone, supporting their dreams, enjoying the simple things this life has to offer together. I think that’s a testament to how wonderful my life was with my husband.

In all the years Joe and I were together, he never once made me feel self-conscious. He made sure I knew I was always enough. In six short months my self-esteem took a hit I wasn’t ready for. I’m not a super model. I carry a few extra pounds. The lines on my face show my years, battle scars that I’m proud of. I have walked through hell and I’m still here.

This song doesn’t just explain who my Joe & I were to each other. It’s also who I could be to someone else. And what I’m looking for. I need a true believer. The fact that I’m willing to do it all over again, knowing there’s a chance I could lose someone else. I think that says a lot about me. I’m resilient, strong, brave, but mostly I’m just so hopeful.