These dreams

Do you take something to help you sleep? I’ve taken 20mg of melatonin for as long as I can remember, but over the summer I started having terrible nightmares. Not sure what was causing it, I decided to cut back to 10mg. It’s taken a while for my system to sort things out. Going to bed has been the loneliest part of my life since losing my husband over two years ago. Even with two 45-pound dogs beside me, I don’t think I will ever get used to climbing into bed alone. I sleep on the couch more often than not these days, much to Grace & Hope’s disappointment (spoiled dogs). But I think the reduced dosage is finally starting to work.

For a while after Joe passed away there were signs everywhere. A white feather at my feet, a cardinal on the power line. I got so used to “hearing” from him through the music on my car radio and the smell of his cologne in a crowd. But those signs stopped quite a long time ago. And I’ve needed to “hear” from him more than anything lately. He must have sensed it, because he’s showing up in my dreams on the regular now. And they are in techno-color! In the morning, I can’t ever recall exactly what the dreams were about, but I remember seeing his beautiful smile, feeling his warmth and his much-needed hugs. I know I don’t want to wake up. I just want to stay there in dreamland with him.

These dreams go on when I close my eyes
Every second of the night I live another life
These dreams that sleep when it’s cold outside
Every moment I’m awake the further I’m away
There’s something out there
I can’t resist
I need to hide away from the pain
There’s something out there
I can’t resist
The sweetest song is silence
That I’ve ever heard
Funny how your feet
In dreams never touch the earth

I’m not a super religious person. I have always been more spiritual, I think. I believe in God, and in heaven. But our bodies are all made up of energy. When we die, where does that energy go? Where does your “light” go? Perhaps it takes on other forms? I believe, when we die, a tiny part of our light finds its way to a baby being born somewhere (a theory I concocted as a teenager when my grandfather passed away because I really wanted to see him one more time). That might explain déjà vu.

Perhaps I’m just wanting desperately to believe my husband is still connected to me from heaven. Perhaps it’s just a side effect of the melatonin. Either way, I’m so grateful the nightmares are gone, and all that love has found its way into my dreams. Plus, the dogs are happy to be sleeping in the bed again and not on the living room floor.