Lean on me

My grief has taught me many things over the last 2+ years. I’ve learned how to manage my anxiety. I’ve learned to let my anger go. I’ve learned exactly who I can count on.

I put all of those lessons to the test at the end of June when I had knee surgery. You might remember a blog talking about my dog Hope running into the back of my knee at full speed about six months ago. Well, after physical therapy and injections my knee just got worse. She partially dislocated my kneecap. I finally accepted that surgery was the only option. It was scheduled for June 25th.

Three days before surgery I had the mother of all anxiety attacks but managed to walk myself through it without having to call anyone. Between the 3:3:3 rule (identify 3 things you see, 3 sounds you hear, and move 3 parts of your body) and box breathing (inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold again for 4) I found my center and was able to calm my own fears.

The night before surgery I was angry. Angry that Joe wasn’t here to help me through this. We both carried each other through so many health issues over the course of our 23 years together. I needed him to be here. To hold up his end of the bargain. You know, “in sickness and in health”. I knew he would be with me in spirit, but that didn’t stop me from being pissed off at him in the moment. He came to me in my dreams that night, and my anger melted away. Reassurance that everything would be okay.

Surgery day arrived and the troops gathered. My sister drove me to and from surgery and doctor’s appointments and stayed with me the first few days. Jeff & Danny (my son & son in-law) brought food and kept me entertained; and my friends and family dropped by to visit, made sure I had plenty to eat, and drove me to PT. They are MY TRIBE. Always there, willing to do anything for me. But I’ve never been good at asking for help. I am now.

My rehab is going great. My knee feels better than it has in months! I’ll never be able to repay my family and friends for their kindness, but they all know I’m just a phone call away.

Grief may have turned my life upside down, but it also shined a spotlight on the people who matter. The ones I know I can always count on. The ones who stayed. I want to thank them for everything they’ve done for me. And in the immortal words of Bill Withers:

You just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you’ll understand
We all need somebody to lean on
If there is a load you have to bear
That you can’t carry
I’m right up the road
I’ll share your load If you just call me