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Against the wind
Sometimes this grief is like a strong wind blowing me back against my own steps. Some days I feel as if I am making progress. Other days I feel like I am standing still. It’s exhausting walking into the wind. It steals all of your energy and sometimes steers you in the wrong direction, until…
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Starting over
I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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You are not alone
I’ve learned so much about myself in the last seven months. So much about grief, life, acceptance, and hope. Yes, hope. Death is the only thing in this life that is guaranteed. We will all die. But when it happens to someone in the prime of their life it’s so much harder to accept. Watching…
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Taking you home
Today has been bittersweet so far. I sent Joe’s ashes off to a place called Parting Stone. They solidified his cremains into beautiful stones I can take with me wherever I go. I can place him in the flower garden in the beautiful backyard he built for us. I can leave him in New Smyrna…
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Any minute now
It’s been over seven months since I lost my husband. I never imagined just how painful missing him would be. Just when I think I’m handling my grief okay, days like today knock me right back down. The tears wouldn’t stop on my way home for lunch. I sat in the backyard with the dogs…
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Til then I walk alone
Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents. Married…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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