Category: memories
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Oh October
Hello October! Last month, at the two-year mark of my husband’s passing, I decided to stop being a bystander in my own life and really start living again. My last blog chronicled the beginning of that new journey with a quick trip to our favorite beach to honor my sweet man. Not so much to…
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Bless your heart
It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and I’d be remiss not to talk about my sweet mom. I’ve mentioned before that I was raised in the South. My mom was the quintessential Southern woman. She threw beautiful dinner parties, welcomed new neighbors with baskets of homemade goodies, cooked meals for people who were sick or recovering from…
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When I think of you
I was driving to work this morning and a song I’d never heard before started playing, Journey’s “When I Think of You”. Of course, Steve Perry could sing the phone book, so it’s not surprising it’s a beautiful song. The lyric spoke to what my life is like every second of every day. Yesterday was…
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He’s still my home
Do you ever hover over that “look back on your memories” post on Facebook, contemplating whether you should click or not? Today I clicked. Most of the time I don’t look at my memories. I’m glad that I documented our lives in that way, so I can go back and reminisce when I want to.…
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Melancholy holidays
The holiday season is in full swing. The lights are on my house, the tree is decorated, and my Santa collection is on display. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Delivering treats to friends, shopping, wrapping, baking, baking and more baking. I’m finding it a challenge to fill my evenings and weekends. But I’m…
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Dust in the wind
I’ve been cleaning out closets recently, getting rid of the junk that I have acquired over the years. I’ve come across a few things and wondered “why would Joe have ever bought that?” but I just shove it back into the closet, not ready to make a decision about keeping it. It’s the stuff that…
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I wish you peace
I took another trip to Florida. A short one this time with my mother-in-law and Joe’s sisters. I showed them his favorite place on earth, New Smyrna Beach. After my trip in July, I was worried how this one would go. I didn’t find any peace last time. It was a struggle being there without…
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But we’re all gonna be alright
I’ve mentioned before that I’m not into social media much. I hang out mostly on Facebook just to keep up with friends and family. I look at their pictures, see what’s new in their lives. But sometimes even Facebook can become too much. Between all the political bickering and those awful memories, I decided to…
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Need you now
In the early days of my grief, I recall complaining because I couldn’t seem to dream about my late husband. I needed to dream about him. While he was visiting others in their sleep, he remained absent in mine. When he did finally come to me four months later, I felt such relief. As if…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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Cover me
I drove into the garage yesterday, my workday over and another weekend just beginning. Hanging on a nail in front of my car is that old coat of Joe’s. The one I can’t make myself take down. Today I just want to wrap myself up inside of it. I’ve come to dread the weekends. Long…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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A safe place to land
I’ve been reflecting on the past a lot lately and thinking about all of the wonderful qualities my Joe had. We were friends before we were a couple. And a friend was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life. Joe was so compassionate and the best listener I’d ever known. In…
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I remember you
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was like a Hallmark movie only Joe & I were the actors. I’m sure this is because my tv has been on the Hallmark channel non-stop since he passed away. It’s the only thing that has no drugs, no screaming, no killing, no crime. I don’t really…
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Firm foundation
These are my parents, Jim & Shirley. My parent’s love story is one for the ages. Married for 67 years, they met in 1955. Both were serving in the United States Air Force in Texas. Mom worked in the post office on base and dad was in flight school. He stopped in to get his…
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The Dogfather
My husband Joe was THE BEST DOG DAD. He had many dogs in his life including Bogey the Great Dane, Sammy the Beagle-mix, and of course Grace & Hope the crazy rescues that I still have today. Joe treated his dogs like royalty. They all lived indoors, slept in bed with him, loved his barbecue…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Led by example
When my husband was just a child he lost his father suddenly. His death had a profound impact on my Joe, but as luck would have it, he would get another chance to have a father. His mom remarried and Joe and his little sister were adopted by their stepfather. When Joe and I married…
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Sounds of silence
Today is a day etched in my memory forever. The first of many anxiety attacks. On this day in 2017, a young man lost his life at a business just across the street from our house. I was home when it happened. Asleep on the couch with a migraine, jolted up in a panic at…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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Far behind
I found a sticky note under my desk pad this morning. I’d forgotten I put it there last summer with a list of all the concerts I bought tickets for. This was Joe’s 57th birthday present. I learned quickly the very best gifts for him were anything that had to do with music. We gave…
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Memory in your mind
Over the last eight months, the memories that Facebook reminds me of have been so hard to see. Happier times filled with smiles and laughter. I miss those times to my core. Today marks one year since our very last vacation we ever took together. We visited our favorite little beach town, New Smyrna Beach,…
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Total loss
You might remember I wrecked my car last week. I was at a four-way stop and just zoned out for a second and hit another car coming through the intersection. No injuries, no air bags deployed, and yet today my car was deemed a total loss. This morning, I went to the collision center to…
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The song remembers when
Do you ever fear you’re going to start forgetting your person? Forgetting certain memories, ways they made you feel, or what their voice sounded like? I’m lucky that I saved voicemails from my late husband Joe and can listen to them whenever I want. I even have some videos from our game nights with friends,…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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Family tradition
My late husband Joe and I spent the better part of 10 years cooking on the competition barbeque circuit here in Oklahoma. Those were some of the best days of our lives. Setting up camp with twenty to thirty other teams, all hoping the judges liked our offerings the best. We won a few ribbons…
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Digging for diamonds
Do you ever find yourself looking for the bright spots in each day? Right after my husband passed away, I was hard-pressed to find any glimmers of light. A few months in and I started looking for them. I like to call this “digging for diamonds”. Looking everywhere for even the tiniest thing that made…
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All we ever needed
I was looking through some old pictures the other night and came across this one. Joe with his incredible head of hair and both of us with smiles that could have lit up the universe. We were just starting our life together. Second marriage for both of us, we were so ready for this amazing…
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Love you anyway
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 25 years of my life with Joe. So many wonderful memories, and some not so great ones too. We certainly didn’t have the perfect marriage, but we were perfect together. We were the epitome of peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, peas and carrots. Joe was…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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There you’ll be
Have you given any thought to your final arrangements? My Joe chose cremation. So many of us choose this method rather than being buried. I’ve have never wanted to be put in a cemetery where my son would feel obligated to visit and place flowers on my grave. I want to be cremated when my…
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Skipping February
Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my 60th birthday. Joe always made surf & turf for our Valentine’s Day dinner. Steak for him and lobster for me. He found the best cards and would pick the prettiest bunch of flowers at our local grocery. My birthday was no different. Every year he found…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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This ain’t nothin’
Boy, the pity party has been raging around here for days! It started when what I thought was a cold jumped into high gear two nights ago. I tried to sleep in the living room, sitting upright because I couldn’t breathe or stop coughing when I laid down. Instead, I was up all-night. It wasn’t…
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Listening to the wind
One of Joe’s most favorite artists was Merle Haggard. Merle was one of a kind. His music spoke to you. It was music for the everyday man, and it was lightening in a bottle. Never to be duplicated again. My parents adored Merle as well and listened to him on every road trip. I remember Joe…
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Waste not want not
Is your refrigerator empty? Mine is most of the time. Well, except for the pickles. Why do I have an abundance of pickles? Anyway, I went to make a sandwich the other day and realized the Kraft singles had been there since the beginning of September. What is their shelf life anyway? Do they expire? Is…
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What’s Up
Sometimes a song whispers what I’m thinking. And then sometimes a song screams it. This is THAT song. My Joe loved this song. Every time it came on, he’d sing along. I always laughed that he knew it. But he was open to all music, and for whatever reason this one spoke to him. This…
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Glitter everywhere
I was cleaning out a closet the other day and came across a duffle bag that we have had for a very long time. We used it on short weekend trips when the packing was light, including the night we got married. When Joe & I were married we didn’t have a lot of money.…
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Blue Christmas
Well, Christmas morning is here. My house is quiet. There are no gifts under the tree. No stockings hung on the fireplace. Sleep was fleeting last night as I laid in bed thinking about all of the wonderful Christmas holidays spent with Joe. He would surprise me every year with at least one very special…
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JJ Grey was our saving grace
Music. It’s my saving grace and it also magnifies the chink in my armor. Whenever a JJ Grey & Mofro song comes on I smile immediately. Joe found this funky mix of swamp and soul music during chemotherapy back in 2018. The song that got him hooked “This River” makes me cry, and I haven’t…
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My favorite memory
The day he went into cardiac arrest, Joe had been at a local car show with our newest purchase: a 1979 Ford Fairmont. It didn’t look like much, but it was a badass race car. This car was right where he parked it that day after winning not one, but two trophies. Every time I…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 