Category: music
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Oh October
Hello October! Last month, at the two-year mark of my husband’s passing, I decided to stop being a bystander in my own life and really start living again. My last blog chronicled the beginning of that new journey with a quick trip to our favorite beach to honor my sweet man. Not so much to…
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Learn to be still
Listening to music is something my late husband and I did every day. We spent so many evenings outside just chilling out. Him playing DJ with his eclectic musical taste, me singing along, my head resting against his shoulder, eyes closed. I knew better than to take those moments for granted. I just miss that…
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When I think of you
I was driving to work this morning and a song I’d never heard before started playing, Journey’s “When I Think of You”. Of course, Steve Perry could sing the phone book, so it’s not surprising it’s a beautiful song. The lyric spoke to what my life is like every second of every day. Yesterday was…
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I don’t know much
It’s been a weekend. I took Friday off because this weekend was our 23rd wedding anniversary. Looking back that was probably a mistake. I should have worked through Friday. Then maybe Saturday, the big day, might not have been such a shit show. You know the drill. More tears than humanly possible, baking in mass…
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Friday
Friday used to be my favorite day of the week. The work week was over and all I wanted to do was head home and spend time with my husband. I worked from home today. By 7pm I couldn’t stand sitting in the house anymore, so the girls and I went outside. I sat in…
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It’s amazing
I’m not sure what happened, but lately the weight on my heart has been lighter. I feel like I can see a future in front of me, even without my Joe. Just to type that is hard, but also feels honest and real. It’s almost been a year since he went into cardiac arrest in…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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Gravity
When was the last time you thought about gravity? I turned 60 this year, so of course gravity hasn’t exactly been my friend. And I’m not the most graceful person in the world, so I prove the theory more often than not. But lately that word means something completely different. The gravity of this grief…
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Hanging by a moment
I’ve really be struggling lately with my grief. An entire year has almost gone by since I lost my husband, and some days I feel like it just happened. It feels like an out-of-body experience. Waking every morning to a world that is no longer mine. Wandering through a house filled with our things, covered…
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Nothing compares to you
I have this habit of pulling up YouTube videos, picking one song and then letting the algorithm pick the rest of what I’m going to listen to for the day. I’ve been stuck in Chris Cornell’s music for days now. Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave. His voice was perfection. He could have sung the…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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Far behind
I found a sticky note under my desk pad this morning. I’d forgotten I put it there last summer with a list of all the concerts I bought tickets for. This was Joe’s 57th birthday present. I learned quickly the very best gifts for him were anything that had to do with music. We gave…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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Either way
Do you ever hear a song and wonder why your significant other loves it so much? I am a huge Chris Stapleton fan, and my late husband Joe was too. Stapleton’s ability to capture emotions, typically mine, in his melodies is so beautiful. He is the quintessential storyteller, and I could listen to his music…
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Cry me a river
Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying.…
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Digging for diamonds
Do you ever find yourself looking for the bright spots in each day? Right after my husband passed away, I was hard-pressed to find any glimmers of light. A few months in and I started looking for them. I like to call this “digging for diamonds”. Looking everywhere for even the tiniest thing that made…
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All we ever needed
I was looking through some old pictures the other night and came across this one. Joe with his incredible head of hair and both of us with smiles that could have lit up the universe. We were just starting our life together. Second marriage for both of us, we were so ready for this amazing…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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I try
It’s my 60th birthday today. It’s been a weird day. I woke up torn between two worlds. Part of me wanted to get up, to thank God for waking me up, and to seize the day. The other part of me wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Why? Because Joe.…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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Dear God . . .
Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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Day full of gratefulness
The last few weeks have been such a challenge for me. Between illness and the lack of sunshine, my spirits were truly at the bottom of the barrel. This morning I got up and drove over to my mother-in-law’s house to pick her up for church. The fog was thick most of the way there.…
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This ain’t nothin’
Boy, the pity party has been raging around here for days! It started when what I thought was a cold jumped into high gear two nights ago. I tried to sleep in the living room, sitting upright because I couldn’t breathe or stop coughing when I laid down. Instead, I was up all-night. It wasn’t…
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Listening to the wind
One of Joe’s most favorite artists was Merle Haggard. Merle was one of a kind. His music spoke to you. It was music for the everyday man, and it was lightening in a bottle. Never to be duplicated again. My parents adored Merle as well and listened to him on every road trip. I remember Joe…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 