Tag: Grief
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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This side of heaven
A friend sent me this song the other day. If there was ever a song that explains exactly how I feel every single day, this is it. How will this side of heaven ever feel right without my Joe? My friend and I had a long conversation about loss. She is no stranger to it.…
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A little bit softer now
Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music,…
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You Should Be Here
I tried to have a good day today but it wasn’t in the cards. The high temperature was maybe 5 degrees. It snowed a few inches, and the wind chill right now is around -8. The dogs and I have been stuck in this house all day, and it has been a very, very, very…
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What’s Up
Sometimes a song whispers what I’m thinking. And then sometimes a song screams it. This is THAT song. My Joe loved this song. Every time it came on, he’d sing along. I always laughed that he knew it. But he was open to all music, and for whatever reason this one spoke to him. This…
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Grief in a group
Well, I did it. I joined a new grief group, and my first meeting was tonight. It was held in a church across town. I was apprehensive because the last time I attempted this the meeting was at my parent’s old church and it was practically empty. Two of the three participants were in their…
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Just say I’m sorry
One of the crazy things about grief is that you circle back to everything you said, everything you laughed about, everything you fought about during your time together. Joe and I laughed ALOT. He always found a way to make me smile, even in the middle of an argument, which used to annoy the crap…
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I’ll rise up, just not today.
Anyone that knows me knows I’m not the kind of person to give up. It’s not in my nature. I even have this song as my alarm on my phone. Every morning I wake up to these words: Rise Up And some mornings I throw my phone across the room and bury my head under…
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Glitter everywhere
I was cleaning out a closet the other day and came across a duffle bag that we have had for a very long time. We used it on short weekend trips when the packing was light, including the night we got married. When Joe & I were married we didn’t have a lot of money.…
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Don’t give up on me yet
I woke up this morning in a new year. A year Joe will never know. I’ve mentioned before how hard all of this is for me because I don’t know how to do nothing. I’ve always been a doer. I’ve always been a fixer. When Joe was sick with cancer, I did so much research.…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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Wasted time
Today pretty much just sucks. I’m working from home (thank goodness) because the tears can’t seem to stop. The sadness is heavy today. I can’t stop questioning why. Why were we able to spend so many years being so happy, going through unbelievably hard struggles together (cancer and the death of parents) and surviving them,…
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Last thing I needed first thing this morning.
It’s been exactly three months since my Joe left this world. September 22nd at 1:07am. Twelve weeks missing half of my heart. Ninety days without my soulmate. 2,160 hours lost in grief. 129,600 minutes of loneliness. Sometimes it feels like moments ago, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. It was over seven million…
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Can you hear me?
I find myself talking to Joe throughout the day. The people across the street finally tore down that rickety old garage that had collapsed back on Father’s Day. I stood at the kitchen window telling Joe how glad he’d be to see it all cleaned up. When I can’t find something because he put it…
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Sick & Tired
Did you know that grief can affect your immune system? Between the stress of Joe’s cardiac arrest, spending 12 days in ICU, planning his funeral, and all the things that followed, my body finally said “enough is enough” the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I haven’t fully recovered yet. What started out as a sinus infection that was…
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The music that made us
On my worst days, the music is the only thing that keeps me going. Today is one of those days. I’m so grateful to Joe for introducing me to so many different genres of music. It’s funny how certain songs seem as if they were written just for us. And they follow the path of our…
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Lost traditions
One of the things I’m struggling with as Christmas without Joe approaches is all of our traditions. They just feel lost to me now. People say I should start new ones or keep doing the ones that comfort me. And I know they are right, but it’s just so damn hard. By now the holiday…
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The scars on my soul
Why is it always the little stuff that catches you by surprise, rips open the wounds, and breaks your heart all over again? The day after Thanksgiving I was starting to feel a little under the weather. I have a history of sinus infections turning into bronchitis very quickly, so I made my way to…
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Single chicken breast please
You know what my nemesis is right now? The grocery store. It’s so ridiculous. It’s the place where I lose it most often. “Don’t mind me” I say to myself as the other shoppers wheel past the crazy lady crying on the potato chip aisle. I have almost left a full cart and walked out,…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 