Tag: Hope
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Oh October
Hello October! Last month, at the two-year mark of my husband’s passing, I decided to stop being a bystander in my own life and really start living again. My last blog chronicled the beginning of that new journey with a quick trip to our favorite beach to honor my sweet man. Not so much to…
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Must love dogs
I rewatched one of my favorite movies over the weekend, “Must Love Dogs” with John Cusack and Diane Lane. I lived vicariously through all of her dating disasters in the safety of my living room, comfy in my chair, popcorn in hand, with one forty pound dog on my lap and one at my feet.…
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Why God?
Why God? That question has been weighing heavy on my mind as my eyes were fixated on the news of the flooding in Texas over the holiday weekend. So many lives lost, whole families, those beautiful Camp Mystic souls. All gone forever. Too many losses we will never be able to accept. It’s natural to…
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I Am Not Alone
Last night I sat in a stranger’s living room, gathered with a group of women who had one thing in common. We have all lost our spouses. It was the monthly meeting of our widow’s group. A time to gather, enjoy food, share stories, and lift each other up. Sometimes I’m angry on the drive…
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History repeating itself
It’s been 72 hours since the election. I am struggling big time. Appalled at the hate-filled comments I am reading and hearing every day on social media. Disappointed with the lack of respect for the political process. Disgusted at the lack of respect for each other. I am perplexed at the comments about God controlling…
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You can’t always get what you want
“Happiness is a choice.” A friend of mine posted this quote on the Facebook the other day. She then asked others what that quote meant to them. The responses were interesting, and expected, and some were even inspiring. It’s so easy to say “I choose to be happy” when life is going well. On the…
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A little bit stronger
When your husband dies everything changes. Not just how you’re regarded by others, but also how you perceive yourself. I’m single now. I’m still a mom, but no longer a wife. I’m the third wheel around other couples. I’m “the widow” around acquaintances. I’m still an introvert. I’m still a rule follower. I try to…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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Times like these
I joined a new online grief group recently. I was looking for answers. It only took reading a dozen posts to realize there wasn’t a single person there who could answer my questions, because grief is such an individual journey. Of course, the individual journey continues, and with it comes days of sadness that are…
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Against the wind
Sometimes this grief is like a strong wind blowing me back against my own steps. Some days I feel as if I am making progress. Other days I feel like I am standing still. It’s exhausting walking into the wind. It steals all of your energy and sometimes steers you in the wrong direction, until…
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Starting over
I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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Blessings in the storm
This week I have been reminded that, while life doesn’t always go the way we plan, there is always something to be grateful for. I was also reminded that grief can magnify the small problems and make them feel much larger than they are. My “storm” this week was superficial at best. I wrecked my…
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Can you say published?
I’m so excited to announce that most of this blog and all of the handwritten letters to my Joe have been published and are now available in paperback for all the book lovers out there. I honestly can’t wait to get my own copy. I’m a book lover myself! Order from Amazon here https://a.co/d/590LM6K, and…
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You are not alone
I’ve learned so much about myself in the last seven months. So much about grief, life, acceptance, and hope. Yes, hope. Death is the only thing in this life that is guaranteed. We will all die. But when it happens to someone in the prime of their life it’s so much harder to accept. Watching…
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Taking you home
Today has been bittersweet so far. I sent Joe’s ashes off to a place called Parting Stone. They solidified his cremains into beautiful stones I can take with me wherever I go. I can place him in the flower garden in the beautiful backyard he built for us. I can leave him in New Smyrna…
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Any minute now
It’s been over seven months since I lost my husband. I never imagined just how painful missing him would be. Just when I think I’m handling my grief okay, days like today knock me right back down. The tears wouldn’t stop on my way home for lunch. I sat in the backyard with the dogs…
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Til then I walk alone
Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents. Married…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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Dear God . . .
Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings…
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The heart of life
Moving on. Letting go. Getting over it. The loss of your spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person will ever endure, next to losing a child. Every aspect of your life changes. Your partner in crime is gone. The person you could tell anything to, your confidant is no longer there. No…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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Day full of gratefulness
The last few weeks have been such a challenge for me. Between illness and the lack of sunshine, my spirits were truly at the bottom of the barrel. This morning I got up and drove over to my mother-in-law’s house to pick her up for church. The fog was thick most of the way there.…
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Have I told you lately?
Over the past four months I’ve had a lot of people ask me what happened to my Joe. I can clinically explain the details. He went into sudden cardiac death at home. We got him back thanks to CPR. In ICU he was put into a medically induced coma on a respirator. They attempted to…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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This side of heaven
A friend sent me this song the other day. If there was ever a song that explains exactly how I feel every single day, this is it. How will this side of heaven ever feel right without my Joe? My friend and I had a long conversation about loss. She is no stranger to it.…
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A little bit softer now
Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music,…
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Grief in a group
Well, I did it. I joined a new grief group, and my first meeting was tonight. It was held in a church across town. I was apprehensive because the last time I attempted this the meeting was at my parent’s old church and it was practically empty. Two of the three participants were in their…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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No surrender
I’ve been writing a lot of sad things lately. Posts about lost traditions and loneliness. Some days I find myself so wrapped up in what I have lost, I don’t give myself any time to think about what is ahead of me. And let’s be honest, I’m the only one driving the bus now. I…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 