Tag: peace
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A little bit stronger
When your husband dies everything changes. Not just how you’re regarded by others, but also how you perceive yourself. I’m single now. I’m still a mom, but no longer a wife. I’m the third wheel around other couples. I’m “the widow” around acquaintances. I’m still an introvert. I’m still a rule follower. I try to…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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Gravity
When was the last time you thought about gravity? I turned 60 this year, so of course gravity hasn’t exactly been my friend. And I’m not the most graceful person in the world, so I prove the theory more often than not. But lately that word means something completely different. The gravity of this grief…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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Against the wind
Sometimes this grief is like a strong wind blowing me back against my own steps. Some days I feel as if I am making progress. Other days I feel like I am standing still. It’s exhausting walking into the wind. It steals all of your energy and sometimes steers you in the wrong direction, until…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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Sounds of silence
Today is a day etched in my memory forever. The first of many anxiety attacks. On this day in 2017, a young man lost his life at a business just across the street from our house. I was home when it happened. Asleep on the couch with a migraine, jolted up in a panic at…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Blessings in the storm
This week I have been reminded that, while life doesn’t always go the way we plan, there is always something to be grateful for. I was also reminded that grief can magnify the small problems and make them feel much larger than they are. My “storm” this week was superficial at best. I wrecked my…
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Can you say published?
I’m so excited to announce that most of this blog and all of the handwritten letters to my Joe have been published and are now available in paperback for all the book lovers out there. I honestly can’t wait to get my own copy. I’m a book lover myself! Order from Amazon here https://a.co/d/590LM6K, and…
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You are not alone
I’ve learned so much about myself in the last seven months. So much about grief, life, acceptance, and hope. Yes, hope. Death is the only thing in this life that is guaranteed. We will all die. But when it happens to someone in the prime of their life it’s so much harder to accept. Watching…
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Get over it
If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last two and a half years, it’s to stop worrying about things I can’t change. Now before you go jumping on your soapbox, let me explain. Every day we are inundated on social media, in the news, and in water cooler conversations about the state of…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Cry me a river
Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying.…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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There you’ll be
Have you given any thought to your final arrangements? My Joe chose cremation. So many of us choose this method rather than being buried. I’ve have never wanted to be put in a cemetery where my son would feel obligated to visit and place flowers on my grave. I want to be cremated when my…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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Day full of gratefulness
The last few weeks have been such a challenge for me. Between illness and the lack of sunshine, my spirits were truly at the bottom of the barrel. This morning I got up and drove over to my mother-in-law’s house to pick her up for church. The fog was thick most of the way there.…
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Have I told you lately?
Over the past four months I’ve had a lot of people ask me what happened to my Joe. I can clinically explain the details. He went into sudden cardiac death at home. We got him back thanks to CPR. In ICU he was put into a medically induced coma on a respirator. They attempted to…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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A little bit softer now
Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music,…
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Grief in a group
Well, I did it. I joined a new grief group, and my first meeting was tonight. It was held in a church across town. I was apprehensive because the last time I attempted this the meeting was at my parent’s old church and it was practically empty. Two of the three participants were in their…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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Can you hear me?
I find myself talking to Joe throughout the day. The people across the street finally tore down that rickety old garage that had collapsed back on Father’s Day. I stood at the kitchen window telling Joe how glad he’d be to see it all cleaned up. When I can’t find something because he put it…
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I’d rather go blind
My Joe loved music. All music. When we first met his tastes were a bit more on the harder rock side like Metallica and Nine Inch Nails. Fun fact, you can drive from Dallas, Texas to Tulsa, Oklahoma in the time it takes to listen to the Nine Inch Nails album “Pretty Hate Machine” twice.…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 