Category: Grief
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Dear December
I’m writing to let you know you didn’t win this year. My third Christmas without my sweet man hasn’t brought me to my knees like it did last year or the year before. You thought you could break me with your jolly songs and holiday decor everywhere. Originally, I thought you would. I had no…
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These dreams
Do you take something to help you sleep? I’ve taken 20mg of melatonin for as long as I can remember, but over the summer I started having terrible nightmares. Not sure what was causing it, I decided to cut back to 10mg. It’s taken a while for my system to sort things out. Going to…
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Better place
I hopped on a plane over the weekend and headed to our favorite beach, determined to spend the second anniversary of my husband’s death anywhere but here. I had no expectations for this trip. It was only my second time flying alone, and my first time ever staying in a hotel by myself or driving…
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True believer
I broke the cardinal rule of online dating this week. I sent a second message to the one and only local match I’ve received since activating my profile. You guessed it – “no pictures guy”. I’m disappointed. Not because he never answered me, but because he hasn’t even logged in since before I sent my…
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Must love dogs
I rewatched one of my favorite movies over the weekend, “Must Love Dogs” with John Cusack and Diane Lane. I lived vicariously through all of her dating disasters in the safety of my living room, comfy in my chair, popcorn in hand, with one forty pound dog on my lap and one at my feet.…
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Why God?
Why God? That question has been weighing heavy on my mind as my eyes were fixated on the news of the flooding in Texas over the holiday weekend. So many lives lost, whole families, those beautiful Camp Mystic souls. All gone forever. Too many losses we will never be able to accept. It’s natural to…
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Joy and grief
I had an epiphany this weekend! Okay, well maybe I had too many jalapeno margaritas, but that’s beside the point. People have been telling me that joy and grief can coexist. I didn’t understand how. I felt like I was “doing” grief wrong. How in the world can I enjoy life without my husband? After…
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The sky is crying
I took a picture of the mint I have growing in my backyard today. Just a few weeks ago it was thriving, big and beautiful, with fragrant leaves. I never thought it was possible to kill mint. It always seemed so invasive, so impervious to its surroundings. But the rain hasn’t stopped for weeks, and…
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Just be yourself
I saw a post the other day on social media that said, “I will aim to be the kind of widow my husband would be proud of.” Honestly, it went all through me. My late husband Joe already was proud of me, when he was here, standing right in front of me. Proud of the…
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Learn to be still
Listening to music is something my late husband and I did every day. We spent so many evenings outside just chilling out. Him playing DJ with his eclectic musical taste, me singing along, my head resting against his shoulder, eyes closed. I knew better than to take those moments for granted. I just miss that…
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Face the river
I’m sitting here watching a river of rain run through my yard. It’s been raining for days now. My yard is saturated, unable to drain fast enough. My 1980 septic system means no shower, or laundry, or, well you get the point. But outside isn’t the only place it’s been raining this weekend. I think…
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These eyes
Time seems to be flying by at a record pace these days. My parents lived well into their eighties and both aged so very gracefully. As we get older, we expect to see progressive changes in ourselves. Our hair begins to gray, wrinkles become more prominent. This physical transformation is a beautiful reminder to embrace…
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Ain’t no mountain
Have you noticed your circle of friends is smaller than before your loss? I’m not talking about the new people you’ve met since your significant other died. I’m talking about the circle of friends you had before. There are two things you can anticipate when you lose your spouse. Friends who step in, and those…
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Millionaire
Once again, the YouTube algorithm brought me a song I’d never heard before. A song I know my late husband never heard, because he would have shared it with me. I miss that. He’d send me new music to listen to almost every day. Or we’d sit in the backyard bar in the evenings and…
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Anxious for no reason
Do you consider yourself an anxious person? I’ve always been high strung, even as a child, but anxiety didn’t creep in until my mid-fifties. I witnessed a shooting, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, and then I lost three of the most important people in my life. Lately my anxiety is finding new ways to…
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Broken
Strong, happy, so very lucky. Those are the words I would have used to describe myself before my husband passed away. Shattered, crushed, broken. That’s how I would describe myself now. But that’s probably not what others see every day. It’s weird what you can get used to, and what you can cover up. Growing…
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Being human
I’ve always been a little awkward, especially in social settings. I think that’s why my late husband and I worked so well together. He was the outgoing one. He knew everyone. And if he didn’t know you, he would by the end of your time together. He had this uncanny ability to make you feel…
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Drowning
It’s been a rough week for no particular reason around here. The tears came at the strangest times. I had to tell my boss at one point not to look at me crooked or I might start sobbing. I decided to work from home today. It’s a beautiful day outside, so the backdoor is open,…
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Year 2
I’m halfway through my second year without my Joe, and I can tell you without any reservation that year two of this grief is harder than I expected. The first year I walked around in a fog, unable to process the trauma of everything. The flashbacks have come back in full force. Performing chest compressions…
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Gonna let it shine
Do you feel like you’ve turned a corner in your grief journey? After walking down the same long, dark path for the last 500 days, I feel like I finally have. I have no idea where I’m headed, but my soul feels lighter and I’m willing to move forward to find out. It could be…
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When I think of you
I was driving to work this morning and a song I’d never heard before started playing, Journey’s “When I Think of You”. Of course, Steve Perry could sing the phone book, so it’s not surprising it’s a beautiful song. The lyric spoke to what my life is like every second of every day. Yesterday was…
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2am
I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for hours. Maybe it’s insomnia, maybe it’s depression. I think I’m just lonely. I’m not talking about lonely for visitors. I don’t mean lonely for conversation around…
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Careful what you wish for
Do you talk to your dogs? I talk to my dogs all the time. Most of the time I’m just talking about my day, or the weather, or talking back to the tv. The girls just happen to be the only ones around to listen. But at night, well that’s a different story. Every night…
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Going crazy
There’s a nightly ritual at my house. My dogs initiated it after Joe died, and there’s no getting out of it. Every evening around eight o’clock, the girls take turns climbing up on the ottoman by my chair, looking for attention. Hope, my sweet, goofy one hops up and nudges my book or my phone…
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New year, lots more to say
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve always been a writer. When I was young, I wrote my parents letters when they would go out for the evening. I corresponded by snail mail with my grandma in upstate New York for years, sent cards to a family friend on all the random holidays (think Flag Day), and…
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He’s still my home
Do you ever hover over that “look back on your memories” post on Facebook, contemplating whether you should click or not? Today I clicked. Most of the time I don’t look at my memories. I’m glad that I documented our lives in that way, so I can go back and reminisce when I want to.…
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I Am Not Alone
Last night I sat in a stranger’s living room, gathered with a group of women who had one thing in common. We have all lost our spouses. It was the monthly meeting of our widow’s group. A time to gather, enjoy food, share stories, and lift each other up. Sometimes I’m angry on the drive…
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My heroes
It’s Christmas time again. My second Christmas without my Joe. I started a new tradition last year and took holiday treats to all the nurses in the ICU where my husband spent his last days. Today the tradition continued. As I stepped inside the hospital entrance and told the security guard where I was headed,…
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Dust in the wind
I’ve been cleaning out closets recently, getting rid of the junk that I have acquired over the years. I’ve come across a few things and wondered “why would Joe have ever bought that?” but I just shove it back into the closet, not ready to make a decision about keeping it. It’s the stuff that…
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I don’t want to be lonely
I was watching one of my favorite movies, “Six Days Seven Nights” with Anne Heche and Harrison Ford. I found myself laughing out loud when well-endowed Angelica (Jacqueline Obradors) stood half naked in her bungalow trying to seduce a grieving yet secretly hopeful Frank (David Schwimmer). “It’s like after a funeral” she said. “Everybody has…
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Grateful for connection
One of the hardest things I’ve had to deal with since my husband passed away is the loneliness. It’s interesting to me because there were many times when Joe and I would both be home, sitting in the same room, and not saying a word to each other. The silence in this house is deafening…
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What doesn’t kill you
Cancer played a big part over the last six years of my late husband’s life. Is it the reason Joe isn’t with us today? Maybe. No one knows for sure. Seven years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. The cancer was in his colon and lymph nodes. The only symptom he…
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Members only
I recently joined the local chapter of a nation-wide organization called “Never Alone Widows”. I attended my third get together last night. It was a “Friendsgiving” of sorts at the home of one of the ladies in the group. It was potluck, with delicious main courses, sides dishes and desserts. One by one women from…
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Storm warning
It was March 2001 when I moved in with my husband Joe. Just a few months later we were in the middle of tornado season in Oklahoma. Our closet was the hidey hole when the spring weather got crazy. One year, for my birthday, we set out to buy a sauna and came home with…
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I don’t know much
It’s been a weekend. I took Friday off because this weekend was our 23rd wedding anniversary. Looking back that was probably a mistake. I should have worked through Friday. Then maybe Saturday, the big day, might not have been such a shit show. You know the drill. More tears than humanly possible, baking in mass…
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The best of me
Recently I realized something. I’m too old to be a young widow, and too young to be an old one. I’m kind of stuck in the middle somewhere. My grandmother was the same way. Only 63 when my grandfather died in 1979, she never remarried. She lived to be 98. I’m hopeful I have a…
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You can’t always get what you want
“Happiness is a choice.” A friend of mine posted this quote on the Facebook the other day. She then asked others what that quote meant to them. The responses were interesting, and expected, and some were even inspiring. It’s so easy to say “I choose to be happy” when life is going well. On the…
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Friday
Friday used to be my favorite day of the week. The work week was over and all I wanted to do was head home and spend time with my husband. I worked from home today. By 7pm I couldn’t stand sitting in the house anymore, so the girls and I went outside. I sat in…
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A little bit stronger
When your husband dies everything changes. Not just how you’re regarded by others, but also how you perceive yourself. I’m single now. I’m still a mom, but no longer a wife. I’m the third wheel around other couples. I’m “the widow” around acquaintances. I’m still an introvert. I’m still a rule follower. I try to…
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I wish you peace
I took another trip to Florida. A short one this time with my mother-in-law and Joe’s sisters. I showed them his favorite place on earth, New Smyrna Beach. After my trip in July, I was worried how this one would go. I didn’t find any peace last time. It was a struggle being there without…
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Be here long
Time has become such a relative thing. While the days are flying by, the moments seem to stand still sometimes. At this moment exactly one year ago I lost my husband. September 22nd at 1:07am. In true Joe form he bargained with the man upstairs, asking to stay those twelve days in ICU so he…
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But we’re all gonna be alright
I’ve mentioned before that I’m not into social media much. I hang out mostly on Facebook just to keep up with friends and family. I look at their pictures, see what’s new in their lives. But sometimes even Facebook can become too much. Between all the political bickering and those awful memories, I decided to…
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Over the rainbow
The definition of a year is the time taken by the earth to make one revolution around the sun. It’s been one revolution since I last heard Joe’s voice, felt his arms around me. One revolution since his heart stopped beating and mine broke into a million pieces. One year ago, was the start of…
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Need you now
In the early days of my grief, I recall complaining because I couldn’t seem to dream about my late husband. I needed to dream about him. While he was visiting others in their sleep, he remained absent in mine. When he did finally come to me four months later, I felt such relief. As if…
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September
I have dreaded the month of September’s arrival for the last year. I’ve worried how I would react, wondered if I would break down, even scheduled a trip to not be here on the anniversary of Joe’s death later this month. When I woke this morning, I was relieved to not find the heaviness of…
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It’s amazing
I’m not sure what happened, but lately the weight on my heart has been lighter. I feel like I can see a future in front of me, even without my Joe. Just to type that is hard, but also feels honest and real. It’s almost been a year since he went into cardiac arrest in…
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Love hurts
I’ve been struggling for sometime now with joint pain. At first, I thought I was just getting older, until the flareups made it hard to climb out of bed in the morning. I visited a rheumatologist who assured me it was nothing more than osteoarthritis. But “nothing more than” hurts like hell. There are days…
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In loving memory
Words are pouring out of me this week. It’s kind of a momentous week. My mom’s birthday was today, and the anniversary of my dad’s death is tomorrow. Two years my dad has been gone. He went on hospice the day before her birthday, but he waited until the day after to leave us. I…
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Stealing
Some weeks I write nothing, and other weeks I can’t stop. Grief is weird. YouTube didn’t disappoint today. This gem found its way to my ears and the tears found their way out my eyes. Many times, over the last six years of his life, my late husband mentioned that he felt like he was…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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Gravity
When was the last time you thought about gravity? I turned 60 this year, so of course gravity hasn’t exactly been my friend. And I’m not the most graceful person in the world, so I prove the theory more often than not. But lately that word means something completely different. The gravity of this grief…
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Hanging by a moment
I’ve really be struggling lately with my grief. An entire year has almost gone by since I lost my husband, and some days I feel like it just happened. It feels like an out-of-body experience. Waking every morning to a world that is no longer mine. Wandering through a house filled with our things, covered…
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Cover me
I drove into the garage yesterday, my workday over and another weekend just beginning. Hanging on a nail in front of my car is that old coat of Joe’s. The one I can’t make myself take down. Today I just want to wrap myself up inside of it. I’ve come to dread the weekends. Long…
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Life without you
I went on vacation last week. I traveled to Florida with my son, his partner, and the rest of my family. We were there to honor my parents on the same beach we spent most every childhood vacation. Of course, the destination was also where my late husband and I spent most every vacation together…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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Let’s talk about sex
I’ve read a lot of books on grief over the past ten months. I’ve sat through a few classes, talked with quite a few widows and widowers, and the one subject that has never come up is sex. When my husband died, my sex life, and all the intimacy in my life died with him.…
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A safe place to land
I’ve been reflecting on the past a lot lately and thinking about all of the wonderful qualities my Joe had. We were friends before we were a couple. And a friend was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life. Joe was so compassionate and the best listener I’d ever known. In…
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Forever young
Well, tomorrow is Joe’s birthday. His first heavenly birthday. He would have been 58 here on earth. But instead, he is forever 57. Forever young. Every year on his birthday I would wake him up and remind him he was only two years younger than me, give him a kiss, and proceed to spend the…
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Times like these
I joined a new online grief group recently. I was looking for answers. It only took reading a dozen posts to realize there wasn’t a single person there who could answer my questions, because grief is such an individual journey. Of course, the individual journey continues, and with it comes days of sadness that are…
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Fix me
Have you experienced days where peace is fleeting, and the gut-punches are plentiful? I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. This sorrow is so deep sometimes I feel like I’m trying to climb out of a hole that is bottomless. I reach and reach but can’t seem to find the top. I’ve never…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 