This is the real and raw journey of my grief after losing both of my amazing parents and my beautiful husband over the course of just 13 short months. You’ll find music in almost every post as it was an integral part of my marriage.
Queen Elizabeth II was right when she said
“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
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Hanging by a moment
I’ve really be struggling lately with my grief. An entire year has almost gone by since I lost my husband, and some days I feel like it just happened. It feels like an out-of-body experience. Waking every morning to a world that is no longer mine. Wandering through a house filled with our things, covered…
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Cover me
I drove into the garage yesterday, my workday over and another weekend just beginning. Hanging on a nail in front of my car is that old coat of Joe’s. The one I can’t make myself take down. Today I just want to wrap myself up inside of it. I’ve come to dread the weekends. Long…
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Life without you
I went on vacation last week. I traveled to Florida with my son, his partner, and the rest of my family. We were there to honor my parents on the same beach we spent most every childhood vacation. Of course, the destination was also where my late husband and I spent most every vacation together…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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Let’s talk about sex
I’ve read a lot of books on grief over the past ten months. I’ve sat through a few classes, talked with quite a few widows and widowers, and the one subject that has never come up is sex. When my husband died, my sex life, and all the intimacy in my life died with him.…
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A safe place to land
I’ve been reflecting on the past a lot lately and thinking about all of the wonderful qualities my Joe had. We were friends before we were a couple. And a friend was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life. Joe was so compassionate and the best listener I’d ever known. In…
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Forever young
Well, tomorrow is Joe’s birthday. His first heavenly birthday. He would have been 58 here on earth. But instead, he is forever 57. Forever young. Every year on his birthday I would wake him up and remind him he was only two years younger than me, give him a kiss, and proceed to spend the…
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Times like these
I joined a new online grief group recently. I was looking for answers. It only took reading a dozen posts to realize there wasn’t a single person there who could answer my questions, because grief is such an individual journey. Of course, the individual journey continues, and with it comes days of sadness that are…
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Fix me
Have you experienced days where peace is fleeting, and the gut-punches are plentiful? I’ve been having a lot of those days lately. This sorrow is so deep sometimes I feel like I’m trying to climb out of a hole that is bottomless. I reach and reach but can’t seem to find the top. I’ve never…
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Nothing compares to you
I have this habit of pulling up YouTube videos, picking one song and then letting the algorithm pick the rest of what I’m going to listen to for the day. I’ve been stuck in Chris Cornell’s music for days now. Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave. His voice was perfection. He could have sung the…
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All you need is love
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a potential future relationship. I mean A LOT of thinking. I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Anyway, the thought of dating scares the shit out of me. A friend asked me what I would be looking for in a man? I’ve…
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I remember you
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was like a Hallmark movie only Joe & I were the actors. I’m sure this is because my tv has been on the Hallmark channel non-stop since he passed away. It’s the only thing that has no drugs, no screaming, no killing, no crime. I don’t really…
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Against the wind
Sometimes this grief is like a strong wind blowing me back against my own steps. Some days I feel as if I am making progress. Other days I feel like I am standing still. It’s exhausting walking into the wind. It steals all of your energy and sometimes steers you in the wrong direction, until…
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Starting over
I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men…
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Firm foundation
These are my parents, Jim & Shirley. My parent’s love story is one for the ages. Married for 67 years, they met in 1955. Both were serving in the United States Air Force in Texas. Mom worked in the post office on base and dad was in flight school. He stopped in to get his…
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Missing you
Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. I told them I was doing pretty well, and I truly believed that. I went home last night after work, finished the project I’d started in my kitchen, spent a little time with the girls outside while they tried to find the bunnies under the shed, watered…
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The Dogfather
My husband Joe was THE BEST DOG DAD. He had many dogs in his life including Bogey the Great Dane, Sammy the Beagle-mix, and of course Grace & Hope the crazy rescues that I still have today. Joe treated his dogs like royalty. They all lived indoors, slept in bed with him, loved his barbecue…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Life imitating art
A friend posted yesterday she was selling her late husband’s car and that opened a chasm of emotions for her and her kids. It’s so hard to let go of the things that connect us to our loved ones. I reached out to her, reminding her to be gentle with herself and to hang on…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Led by example
When my husband was just a child he lost his father suddenly. His death had a profound impact on my Joe, but as luck would have it, he would get another chance to have a father. His mom remarried and Joe and his little sister were adopted by their stepfather. When Joe and I married…
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Sounds of silence
Today is a day etched in my memory forever. The first of many anxiety attacks. On this day in 2017, a young man lost his life at a business just across the street from our house. I was home when it happened. Asleep on the couch with a migraine, jolted up in a panic at…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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Far behind
I found a sticky note under my desk pad this morning. I’d forgotten I put it there last summer with a list of all the concerts I bought tickets for. This was Joe’s 57th birthday present. I learned quickly the very best gifts for him were anything that had to do with music. We gave…
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Memory in your mind
Over the last eight months, the memories that Facebook reminds me of have been so hard to see. Happier times filled with smiles and laughter. I miss those times to my core. Today marks one year since our very last vacation we ever took together. We visited our favorite little beach town, New Smyrna Beach,…
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Some things I’ll never know
Are there days where you feel like you are really handling your grief well? You actually feel like you can breathe again? Like you’ve accepted your reality and you’re moving forward? And then, out of nowhere, you get hit by that grief bus and you’re right back where you were in the beginning. Today is…
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In the strangest places
Maybe it’s just me and I force the dots to connect, thinking Joe is sending me signs when I need them. Or maybe, he knows exactly how to get my attention through music, and he really is “talking” to me from above. I choose to believe the latter. Yesterday he made his presence known once…
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Total loss
You might remember I wrecked my car last week. I was at a four-way stop and just zoned out for a second and hit another car coming through the intersection. No injuries, no air bags deployed, and yet today my car was deemed a total loss. This morning, I went to the collision center to…
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The song remembers when
Do you ever fear you’re going to start forgetting your person? Forgetting certain memories, ways they made you feel, or what their voice sounded like? I’m lucky that I saved voicemails from my late husband Joe and can listen to them whenever I want. I even have some videos from our game nights with friends,…
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Blessings in the storm
This week I have been reminded that, while life doesn’t always go the way we plan, there is always something to be grateful for. I was also reminded that grief can magnify the small problems and make them feel much larger than they are. My “storm” this week was superficial at best. I wrecked my…
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Can you say published?
I’m so excited to announce that most of this blog and all of the handwritten letters to my Joe have been published and are now available in paperback for all the book lovers out there. I honestly can’t wait to get my own copy. I’m a book lover myself! Order from Amazon here https://a.co/d/590LM6K, and…
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Online
Can we talk about social media for a minute? I’m not a huge social media person. I don’t have Instagram or TikTok. I don’t read books on a Kindle, and I still print recipes out on paper before I make them. But the Facebook, now that one I am all over. We started with a…
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You are not alone
I’ve learned so much about myself in the last seven months. So much about grief, life, acceptance, and hope. Yes, hope. Death is the only thing in this life that is guaranteed. We will all die. But when it happens to someone in the prime of their life it’s so much harder to accept. Watching…
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Taking you home
Today has been bittersweet so far. I sent Joe’s ashes off to a place called Parting Stone. They solidified his cremains into beautiful stones I can take with me wherever I go. I can place him in the flower garden in the beautiful backyard he built for us. I can leave him in New Smyrna…
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Any minute now
It’s been over seven months since I lost my husband. I never imagined just how painful missing him would be. Just when I think I’m handling my grief okay, days like today knock me right back down. The tears wouldn’t stop on my way home for lunch. I sat in the backyard with the dogs…
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Til then I walk alone
Most of my life I’ve been a very conservative person. Always erring on the side of caution, never really taking huge risks. When I was a kid, my older brothers managed to get in enough trouble as teenagers to convince me not to do anything wrong, mostly to avoid the wrath of my parents. Married…
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The part of me that’s you
It’s been such a beautiful weekend so far. A Gary Allan concert with a friend, a baby shower for my nephew and his wife, pizza night with my very best friends, and tonight, dinner with my son and son-in-law. The weather has been gorgeous (minus the wind, welcome to Oklahoma) and I was even able…
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Get over it
If there is one thing I’ve learned in the last two and a half years, it’s to stop worrying about things I can’t change. Now before you go jumping on your soapbox, let me explain. Every day we are inundated on social media, in the news, and in water cooler conversations about the state of…
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In your eyes
You know how they say the eyes are the windows to the soul? It’s so true. I could tell how Joe was feeling just by looking into his eyes. When he was really tired his eyes were super light with tiny specks of green. When he was very sick, they were almost black and so…
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Bloom
Easter is upon us. A time for rebirth, new life. Not just Christ’s rebirth, but everything around us as well. The flowers and the trees are coming alive again after lying dormant for so many months. I can’t help but think God planned it so his Son would rise again just as His Creation would…
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Family tradition
My late husband Joe and I spent the better part of 10 years cooking on the competition barbeque circuit here in Oklahoma. Those were some of the best days of our lives. Setting up camp with twenty to thirty other teams, all hoping the judges liked our offerings the best. We won a few ribbons…
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Crazy train
Well, it’s official! I’ve stepped off the deep end and my dogs genuinely think I’ve lost it. I went home for lunch today and realized I forgot to change the HVAC filters over the weekend. They are in the ceiling. Being only five-foot tall, getting to them from my stepstool is a challenge. But I’ve…
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Learning to walk again
I wish I wasn’t someone who was tied to dates and calendars the way I am. It’s the nature of my job as an executive assistant. And the nature of my personality as an organizer, the scheduler of all things. An attribute that is also one of my biggest faults. It’s been six months since…
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Either way
Do you ever hear a song and wonder why your significant other loves it so much? I am a huge Chris Stapleton fan, and my late husband Joe was too. Stapleton’s ability to capture emotions, typically mine, in his melodies is so beautiful. He is the quintessential storyteller, and I could listen to his music…
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Cry me a river
Spring has arrived. And with it all the trees are in bloom, gardens are being prepped for planting, longer days are finally here. With the change in season, I find myself crying uncontrollably more often than not. And I had just mentioned in a previous post that I seemed to be smiling more than crying.…
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Sending me angels
I spent my morning hanging out at home, doing nothing in particular. I had plans later with our friends Jeff & Lisa for an afternoon of Scrabble. As I was getting ready, an overwhelming sense of grief came over me and my tears would not stop. I knew I needed to move, to get out…
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Digging for diamonds
Do you ever find yourself looking for the bright spots in each day? Right after my husband passed away, I was hard-pressed to find any glimmers of light. A few months in and I started looking for them. I like to call this “digging for diamonds”. Looking everywhere for even the tiniest thing that made…
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All we ever needed
I was looking through some old pictures the other night and came across this one. Joe with his incredible head of hair and both of us with smiles that could have lit up the universe. We were just starting our life together. Second marriage for both of us, we were so ready for this amazing…
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Babe
My dear friend Jennifer came over on Monday. She brought us dinner, and we talked for hours about love and life, grief and survival. She understands exactly where I am because she walked this very path eight years ago after losing her husband Roger. Roger & Joe’s circumstances surrounding their deaths were very similar. She…
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Love you anyway
I’ve been thinking a lot about the last 25 years of my life with Joe. So many wonderful memories, and some not so great ones too. We certainly didn’t have the perfect marriage, but we were perfect together. We were the epitome of peanut butter and jelly, cookies and milk, peas and carrots. Joe was…
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Lonely are the free
Do you know the difference between being alone and being lonely? If you are grieving the loss of your significant other I can guarantee you do. Life changes so drastically when the person you spend all of your time with, the person you wake up to and fall asleep with, the person you loved with…
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Say my name
Have you noticed there are certain people in your life who seem to tense up when you mention the person you lost? Their eyes avert to some object across the room, or they awkwardly smile and change the subject immediately. Some will laugh nervously, others will just give you this blank stare as if to…
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I try
It’s my 60th birthday today. It’s been a weird day. I woke up torn between two worlds. Part of me wanted to get up, to thank God for waking me up, and to seize the day. The other part of me wanted to pull the covers over my head and stay there. Why? Because Joe.…
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Music heals the soul
One of the greatest things Joe & I leaned on during his cancer battle was worship music. Music spoke to us in ways that scripture couldn’t, in ways that preachers didn’t. Cancer initially reignited our faith out of fear, but as the journey continued that fear was replaced with hope and our faith grew stronger…
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An eagle, a deacon & so much joy
I woke up this morning with a smile on my face and my first thought wasn’t about my loss. How amazing is that? Last night I attended the Eagles Long Goodbye Final Tour in Tulsa. Joe’s sister & her husband were gracious enough to buy me a ticket to go with them. The Eagles are…
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Dear God . . .
Do you struggle with your faith? I feel like my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. I have no doubts about my salvation, no doubt that Joe and my parents are in heaven, and we will be reunited again someday. God’s unfailing love is a comfort to me. But my emotions, my feelings…
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There you’ll be
Have you given any thought to your final arrangements? My Joe chose cremation. So many of us choose this method rather than being buried. I’ve have never wanted to be put in a cemetery where my son would feel obligated to visit and place flowers on my grave. I want to be cremated when my…
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Dear everyone
It was suggested in my grief group that I write a grief letter to friends and family so everyone knows exactly where I am. Honestly, it sounded a little narcissistic. But then I thought about my friends who have walked this path. It would have been useful to know how they were and what I…
About me:
I’m Kelly. Widowed at 59, this is the story of losing my husband and the new reality I’ve been thrust into. My beautiful husband Joe passed away in September 2023 from complications after cardiac arrest. We were married for almost 22 years. I’m a mom to an amazing son, and I have been an executive assistant for over 40 years. I live just outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma with our 2 rescue dogs Hope & Grace.
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 