This is the real and raw journey of my grief after losing both of my amazing parents and my beautiful husband over the course of just 13 short months. You’ll find music in almost every post as it was an integral part of my marriage.
Queen Elizabeth II was right when she said
“Grief is the price we pay for love.”
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Dear everyone
It was suggested in my grief group that I write a grief letter to friends and family so everyone knows exactly where I am. Honestly, it sounded a little narcissistic. But then I thought about my friends who have walked this path. It would have been useful to know how they were and what I…
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Skipping February
Valentine’s Day is coming up and so is my 60th birthday. Joe always made surf & turf for our Valentine’s Day dinner. Steak for him and lobster for me. He found the best cards and would pick the prettiest bunch of flowers at our local grocery. My birthday was no different. Every year he found…
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Further away
The more time there is between us, the further away you are. Why is this getting harder? Time does not heal all wounds.
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Take this job & shove it
Did you make honey-do lists for your significant other? I tried but wasn’t very successful at getting my husband to actually want to work off a list. Life threw us many curveballs over the years, cancer being the biggest one. Once the dust settled and Joe was done with all of his treatments, he was…
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The heart of life
Moving on. Letting go. Getting over it. The loss of your spouse is one of the most difficult losses a person will ever endure, next to losing a child. Every aspect of your life changes. Your partner in crime is gone. The person you could tell anything to, your confidant is no longer there. No…
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Losing it
Today was frantic. I came home for lunch determined to find the memorial book the funeral home put together from Joe’s service. I was looking for something inside of it. But I couldn’t find the book anywhere. I turned the house upside down, my heart beating out of my chest, tears streaming down my face…
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Better days
I am just over the four-month mark since losing my Joe. My brain seems to be working better now. I didn’t even realize the fog I’d been in. Grieving clouds everything. Imagine if you will a veil over your head. One that allows a small amount of light in, but nothing is clearly visible. Sounds…
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Somewhere in the sunshine
I firmly believe those who have gone before us having the ability to send us signs. Joe has sent me more than a few since he passed away last September. I love receiving messages from him in the form of a seashell in an unusual place, glitter from 20 years ago, or an extra snuggle…
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Day full of gratefulness
The last few weeks have been such a challenge for me. Between illness and the lack of sunshine, my spirits were truly at the bottom of the barrel. This morning I got up and drove over to my mother-in-law’s house to pick her up for church. The fog was thick most of the way there.…
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This ain’t nothin’
Boy, the pity party has been raging around here for days! It started when what I thought was a cold jumped into high gear two nights ago. I tried to sleep in the living room, sitting upright because I couldn’t breathe or stop coughing when I laid down. Instead, I was up all-night. It wasn’t…
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Have I told you lately?
Over the past four months I’ve had a lot of people ask me what happened to my Joe. I can clinically explain the details. He went into sudden cardiac death at home. We got him back thanks to CPR. In ICU he was put into a medically induced coma on a respirator. They attempted to…
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In dreams
I finally dreamt about Joe last night! This is the first time I’ve seen him in my dreams at night. He visited me once during a nap one afternoon when I fell asleep in the living room chair. That one was brief, and sweet, and almost like a flashback from the beginning of our relationship.…
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This side of heaven
A friend sent me this song the other day. If there was ever a song that explains exactly how I feel every single day, this is it. How will this side of heaven ever feel right without my Joe? My friend and I had a long conversation about loss. She is no stranger to it.…
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Listening to the wind
One of Joe’s most favorite artists was Merle Haggard. Merle was one of a kind. His music spoke to you. It was music for the everyday man, and it was lightening in a bottle. Never to be duplicated again. My parents adored Merle as well and listened to him on every road trip. I remember Joe…
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A little bit softer now
Was your person larger than life? My Joe was! He lit up every room he walked into. Dubbed “Crown Joe” during our competitive BBQ days, he was known for taking the cap off the Crown Royal bottle and throwing it away, no glass needed. Always ready for a party, always the man with the music,…
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Just a little unwell
I don’t spend a lot of my time worrying these days. Not really much to worry about anymore. When Joe was going through cancer, I developed some crazy anxiety. Lucky for me Joe could always recognize it before it got out of hand. He’d say “let’s go for a ride”. We’d drive around listening to…
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Waste not want not
Is your refrigerator empty? Mine is most of the time. Well, except for the pickles. Why do I have an abundance of pickles? Anyway, I went to make a sandwich the other day and realized the Kraft singles had been there since the beginning of September. What is their shelf life anyway? Do they expire? Is…
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You Should Be Here
I tried to have a good day today but it wasn’t in the cards. The high temperature was maybe 5 degrees. It snowed a few inches, and the wind chill right now is around -8. The dogs and I have been stuck in this house all day, and it has been a very, very, very…
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What’s Up
Sometimes a song whispers what I’m thinking. And then sometimes a song screams it. This is THAT song. My Joe loved this song. Every time it came on, he’d sing along. I always laughed that he knew it. But he was open to all music, and for whatever reason this one spoke to him. This…
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Grief in a group
Well, I did it. I joined a new grief group, and my first meeting was tonight. It was held in a church across town. I was apprehensive because the last time I attempted this the meeting was at my parent’s old church and it was practically empty. Two of the three participants were in their…
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Just say I’m sorry
One of the crazy things about grief is that you circle back to everything you said, everything you laughed about, everything you fought about during your time together. Joe and I laughed ALOT. He always found a way to make me smile, even in the middle of an argument, which used to annoy the crap…
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Exhale
Well, I can’t explain it, but today was just a good day. And honestly, it’s so nice to have just a good day. No tears, no anxiety, no worries. Every time I thought of Joe, which was all the time, I smiled. I’m thankful for all the years we had together, I’m grateful for the…
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I’ll rise up, just not today.
Anyone that knows me knows I’m not the kind of person to give up. It’s not in my nature. I even have this song as my alarm on my phone. Every morning I wake up to these words: Rise Up And some mornings I throw my phone across the room and bury my head under…
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Glitter everywhere
I was cleaning out a closet the other day and came across a duffle bag that we have had for a very long time. We used it on short weekend trips when the packing was light, including the night we got married. When Joe & I were married we didn’t have a lot of money.…
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Don’t give up on me yet
I woke up this morning in a new year. A year Joe will never know. I’ve mentioned before how hard all of this is for me because I don’t know how to do nothing. I’ve always been a doer. I’ve always been a fixer. When Joe was sick with cancer, I did so much research.…
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Easy come, hard go
As the year comes to a close, all I can do is keep moving forward. This grief still knocks me to my knees and makes it so hard to breathe. I’ll try to exhale all the stress and sadness 2023 ushered in and pray for the coming year to be filled with a peace that…
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Wasted time
Today pretty much just sucks. I’m working from home (thank goodness) because the tears can’t seem to stop. The sadness is heavy today. I can’t stop questioning why. Why were we able to spend so many years being so happy, going through unbelievably hard struggles together (cancer and the death of parents) and surviving them,…
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Blue Christmas
Well, Christmas morning is here. My house is quiet. There are no gifts under the tree. No stockings hung on the fireplace. Sleep was fleeting last night as I laid in bed thinking about all of the wonderful Christmas holidays spent with Joe. He would surprise me every year with at least one very special…
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Last thing I needed first thing this morning.
It’s been exactly three months since my Joe left this world. September 22nd at 1:07am. Twelve weeks missing half of my heart. Ninety days without my soulmate. 2,160 hours lost in grief. 129,600 minutes of loneliness. Sometimes it feels like moments ago, and sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago. It was over seven million…
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Can you hear me?
I find myself talking to Joe throughout the day. The people across the street finally tore down that rickety old garage that had collapsed back on Father’s Day. I stood at the kitchen window telling Joe how glad he’d be to see it all cleaned up. When I can’t find something because he put it…
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JJ Grey was our saving grace
Music. It’s my saving grace and it also magnifies the chink in my armor. Whenever a JJ Grey & Mofro song comes on I smile immediately. Joe found this funky mix of swamp and soul music during chemotherapy back in 2018. The song that got him hooked “This River” makes me cry, and I haven’t…
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Landslide
I’ve had a few pretty good days in a row. I’m feeling better after getting the right meds, and spending time with friends and family has helped tremendously. It’s so easy to fall backwards on this grief rollercoaster though. Remember in my first post I said it would be a wild ride? Well I am…
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Sick & Tired
Did you know that grief can affect your immune system? Between the stress of Joe’s cardiac arrest, spending 12 days in ICU, planning his funeral, and all the things that followed, my body finally said “enough is enough” the day after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, I haven’t fully recovered yet. What started out as a sinus infection that was…
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Hole in my heart
The weight of this sadness is so damn heavy. Everything I do reminds me of Joe. I come home every day at lunch, just like I did today, to let the girls out. They need to run and play outdoors since the days are so much shorter now. They are used to being home with…
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The music that made us
On my worst days, the music is the only thing that keeps me going. Today is one of those days. I’m so grateful to Joe for introducing me to so many different genres of music. It’s funny how certain songs seem as if they were written just for us. And they follow the path of our…
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My favorite memory
The day he went into cardiac arrest, Joe had been at a local car show with our newest purchase: a 1979 Ford Fairmont. It didn’t look like much, but it was a badass race car. This car was right where he parked it that day after winning not one, but two trophies. Every time I…
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The spirit of Christmas
It comes as no great surprise that I have not had much holiday cheer these days. Finding the joy in the season is difficult when your better half is gone. But I promised myself (and my Joe) that I would do my best to enjoy this Christmas with all of our family and friends. Keeping…
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My ride or die
I was never the girl in high school who had tons of girlfriends, and I’ve never been a “girl’s night out” kind of gal. Honestly, I’ve never really had many girlfriends until I hit my 40’s. In the early 2000’s Joe and I were lucky enough to work at the same company (where I still…
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The weight of my world
Ever since Joe was diagnosed with cancer back in 2017, I wrestled with the thought of “giving it to God”. I’m kind of a control freak. And I never could completely hand my struggles over to Him. I always hung on to just enough to make me think I was still in control, when clearly…
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No surrender
I’ve been writing a lot of sad things lately. Posts about lost traditions and loneliness. Some days I find myself so wrapped up in what I have lost, I don’t give myself any time to think about what is ahead of me. And let’s be honest, I’m the only one driving the bus now. I…
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Lost traditions
One of the things I’m struggling with as Christmas without Joe approaches is all of our traditions. They just feel lost to me now. People say I should start new ones or keep doing the ones that comfort me. And I know they are right, but it’s just so damn hard. By now the holiday…
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The circle of life
I can hear them late at night while I try to work in my home office. Tiny little scratches coming from the outside wall near the air conditioner. I’ve never actually seen them, but I can feel their presence. And of course my bunny killer Hope knows they are there. Mice. Tiny little field mice…
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Clean up on aisle 10
I’ve made the executive decision to stop going to the grocery store. I have officially become “that lady” to my local retail workers. That lady who cries near the pork ribs. That lady who cries on the candy aisle. That lady who cries in the checkout line. It’s not uncommon to find me digging for…
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Everyday memories
I woke up this morning craving coneys. Weird, huh? Joe and I have had a favorite little coney place that he had been going to for over 30 years. It was a treat to meet Joe there for lunch sometimes during the work day, and he made it his regular stop during chemotherapy because he…
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I Believe
Have you ever wondered if God controls all the things that happen to us? Does He create the bad things, like cancer and catastrophic events? Or does He just use those events to shape and guide us, to bring us closer to Him? I ask this question because sometimes I struggle with the why of…
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Abundant blessings
Have you ever wondered if it was possible to live with a grateful heart when that same heart is shattered into a million pieces? Well, I am here to tell you that you can. Today was such an amazing day. My sister-in-law met me unexpectedly at home for a delicious lunch and wonderful conversation. My…
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Where eagles fly
I got home from work today and sat down in my office to open the mail. Out of the corner of my eye through the window I could see a migration of beautiful white birds, hundreds of them, flying over my house. I’d never seen this happen before in such numbers. I ran outside and…
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I’d rather go blind
My Joe loved music. All music. When we first met his tastes were a bit more on the harder rock side like Metallica and Nine Inch Nails. Fun fact, you can drive from Dallas, Texas to Tulsa, Oklahoma in the time it takes to listen to the Nine Inch Nails album “Pretty Hate Machine” twice.…
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The scars on my soul
Why is it always the little stuff that catches you by surprise, rips open the wounds, and breaks your heart all over again? The day after Thanksgiving I was starting to feel a little under the weather. I have a history of sinus infections turning into bronchitis very quickly, so I made my way to…
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My attitude on platitudes
Grief, I have found, brings out the good in so many people. Warm meals, lingering hugs, and a sense of belonging from those who love you most help, even in the tiniest ways, to comfort me. Grief also brings out well-worn (and most always well intended) platitudes that really don’t help at all. So in…
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Humbug
Ugh. The holidays have arrived. It’s the day before my first Thanksgiving without my Joe. How do I feel about that? Just sad. Sad that Joe can’t be here with me. Sad that all of the traditions we created over the years feel wrong to do without him. He should be here right now smoking…
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The very thought of you
Do you ever walk into your house after work and expect to see your loved one standing in the kitchen or sitting in the living room watching television? Are there moments in the day when you forget for just a second that your whole world has been turned upside down? This happens to me a…
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First of many
A year of firsts. When someone dies, one of the most common things for people to tell you is how hard all of the “firsts” will be. Your first Christmas without your loved one, first birthday, first anniversary of their death. I celebrated our 22nd wedding anniversary just 28 days after my Joe passed away.…
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Loving, touching & squeezing
I know Journey sang about it. And it’s something we all crave. But did you know women need to be touched at least eight times a day to help preserve their emotional health?Kissing, hugging, holding hands releases hormones in our bodies that stimulate good feelings and help reduce stress. I’m not into science, and while…
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Stop eating shit!
It happened again. Since Joe passed away, our dog Hope has chased and caught two baby bunnies in our backyard. Sadly, one of them met their demise. It’s in her nature. She is 25% English Setter. Her high prey drive dictates her behavior. She’s the first one out the back door, running at lightning speed…
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I’m not crying, you’re crying
For the love of all things holy, why can’t I stop crying? Why can’t I just sit down, have a good cry and move on. The tears come whenever they want. Sometimes, as I’m getting ready for work in the morning, I have to change my tear-soaked shirt before I can actually leave the house.…
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Single chicken breast please
You know what my nemesis is right now? The grocery store. It’s so ridiculous. It’s the place where I lose it most often. “Don’t mind me” I say to myself as the other shoppers wheel past the crazy lady crying on the potato chip aisle. I have almost left a full cart and walked out,…
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For the record . . .
I wasn’t being entirely truthful in my first post. My beautiful man did experience cardiac death and he did pass away on September 22nd. But a lot of things happened between those two events. Joe’s heart stopped beating sitting in his recliner on the night of September 9th, as we were chatting back and forth…
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Signs from Heaven
I have always been a firm believer in signs. And I believe those that have gone before us have the ability to send us signs exactly when we need them. One of my all-time favorite movies “Serendipity” calls it a fortunate discovery. Every day I look for serendipity, signs from my Joe. One day in…
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Let me off this ride!
They say the seven stages of grief can be expected after a loved one dies. Shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. I’m a very organized and routine person who has always followed the “rules”. When my husband passed away I was expecting those stages to fall in line. It’s only been 54 days…
About me:
I’m Kelly. Widowed at 59, this is the story of losing my husband and the new reality I’ve been thrust into. My beautiful husband Joe passed away in September 2023 from complications after cardiac arrest. We were married for almost 22 years. I’m a mom to an amazing son, and I have been an executive assistant for over 40 years. I live just outside of Tulsa, Oklahoma with our 2 rescue dogs Hope & Grace.
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 