Category: Love
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These dreams
Do you take something to help you sleep? I’ve taken 20mg of melatonin for as long as I can remember, but over the summer I started having terrible nightmares. Not sure what was causing it, I decided to cut back to 10mg. It’s taken a while for my system to sort things out. Going to…
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Oh October
Hello October! Last month, at the two-year mark of my husband’s passing, I decided to stop being a bystander in my own life and really start living again. My last blog chronicled the beginning of that new journey with a quick trip to our favorite beach to honor my sweet man. Not so much to…
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Better place
I hopped on a plane over the weekend and headed to our favorite beach, determined to spend the second anniversary of my husband’s death anywhere but here. I had no expectations for this trip. It was only my second time flying alone, and my first time ever staying in a hotel by myself or driving…
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Perfect storm
I took a little ride in an ambulance the other day. I was driving home from work and both of my arms suddenly became too heavy to even hold on to the steering wheel. My head was swimmy, like I might pass out. I drove straight to Urgent Care. They took my blood pressure (192/122)…
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True believer
I broke the cardinal rule of online dating this week. I sent a second message to the one and only local match I’ve received since activating my profile. You guessed it – “no pictures guy”. I’m disappointed. Not because he never answered me, but because he hasn’t even logged in since before I sent my…
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Must love dogs
I rewatched one of my favorite movies over the weekend, “Must Love Dogs” with John Cusack and Diane Lane. I lived vicariously through all of her dating disasters in the safety of my living room, comfy in my chair, popcorn in hand, with one forty pound dog on my lap and one at my feet.…
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Joy and grief
I had an epiphany this weekend! Okay, well maybe I had too many jalapeno margaritas, but that’s beside the point. People have been telling me that joy and grief can coexist. I didn’t understand how. I felt like I was “doing” grief wrong. How in the world can I enjoy life without my husband? After…
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Just be yourself
I saw a post the other day on social media that said, “I will aim to be the kind of widow my husband would be proud of.” Honestly, it went all through me. My late husband Joe already was proud of me, when he was here, standing right in front of me. Proud of the…
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Bless your heart
It’s Mother’s Day weekend, and I’d be remiss not to talk about my sweet mom. I’ve mentioned before that I was raised in the South. My mom was the quintessential Southern woman. She threw beautiful dinner parties, welcomed new neighbors with baskets of homemade goodies, cooked meals for people who were sick or recovering from…
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Face the river
I’m sitting here watching a river of rain run through my yard. It’s been raining for days now. My yard is saturated, unable to drain fast enough. My 1980 septic system means no shower, or laundry, or, well you get the point. But outside isn’t the only place it’s been raining this weekend. I think…
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These eyes
Time seems to be flying by at a record pace these days. My parents lived well into their eighties and both aged so very gracefully. As we get older, we expect to see progressive changes in ourselves. Our hair begins to gray, wrinkles become more prominent. This physical transformation is a beautiful reminder to embrace…
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Millionaire
Once again, the YouTube algorithm brought me a song I’d never heard before. A song I know my late husband never heard, because he would have shared it with me. I miss that. He’d send me new music to listen to almost every day. Or we’d sit in the backyard bar in the evenings and…
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Drowning
It’s been a rough week for no particular reason around here. The tears came at the strangest times. I had to tell my boss at one point not to look at me crooked or I might start sobbing. I decided to work from home today. It’s a beautiful day outside, so the backdoor is open,…
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Older and wiser
Several things happened this week that seem so surreal to me. First, I turned sixty-one. How in the world did that happen? Time is flying by. It seems like it was just yesterday I was writing a blog post about turning sixty and wanting to skip the month of February. And here we are again,…
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Gonna let it shine
Do you feel like you’ve turned a corner in your grief journey? After walking down the same long, dark path for the last 500 days, I feel like I finally have. I have no idea where I’m headed, but my soul feels lighter and I’m willing to move forward to find out. It could be…
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When I think of you
I was driving to work this morning and a song I’d never heard before started playing, Journey’s “When I Think of You”. Of course, Steve Perry could sing the phone book, so it’s not surprising it’s a beautiful song. The lyric spoke to what my life is like every second of every day. Yesterday was…
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2am
I haven’t been sleeping well lately. I fall asleep quickly but wake up multiple times in the middle of the night and just stare at the ceiling. Sometimes for hours. Maybe it’s insomnia, maybe it’s depression. I think I’m just lonely. I’m not talking about lonely for visitors. I don’t mean lonely for conversation around…
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Careful what you wish for
Do you talk to your dogs? I talk to my dogs all the time. Most of the time I’m just talking about my day, or the weather, or talking back to the tv. The girls just happen to be the only ones around to listen. But at night, well that’s a different story. Every night…
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Going crazy
There’s a nightly ritual at my house. My dogs initiated it after Joe died, and there’s no getting out of it. Every evening around eight o’clock, the girls take turns climbing up on the ottoman by my chair, looking for attention. Hope, my sweet, goofy one hops up and nudges my book or my phone…
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New year, lots more to say
I’ve mentioned before that I’ve always been a writer. When I was young, I wrote my parents letters when they would go out for the evening. I corresponded by snail mail with my grandma in upstate New York for years, sent cards to a family friend on all the random holidays (think Flag Day), and…
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He’s still my home
Do you ever hover over that “look back on your memories” post on Facebook, contemplating whether you should click or not? Today I clicked. Most of the time I don’t look at my memories. I’m glad that I documented our lives in that way, so I can go back and reminisce when I want to.…
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Melancholy holidays
The holiday season is in full swing. The lights are on my house, the tree is decorated, and my Santa collection is on display. I’ve been trying to keep myself busy. Delivering treats to friends, shopping, wrapping, baking, baking and more baking. I’m finding it a challenge to fill my evenings and weekends. But I’m…
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I don’t want to be lonely
I was watching one of my favorite movies, “Six Days Seven Nights” with Anne Heche and Harrison Ford. I found myself laughing out loud when well-endowed Angelica (Jacqueline Obradors) stood half naked in her bungalow trying to seduce a grieving yet secretly hopeful Frank (David Schwimmer). “It’s like after a funeral” she said. “Everybody has…
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What doesn’t kill you
Cancer played a big part over the last six years of my late husband’s life. Is it the reason Joe isn’t with us today? Maybe. No one knows for sure. Seven years ago, my husband was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. The cancer was in his colon and lymph nodes. The only symptom he…
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I don’t know much
It’s been a weekend. I took Friday off because this weekend was our 23rd wedding anniversary. Looking back that was probably a mistake. I should have worked through Friday. Then maybe Saturday, the big day, might not have been such a shit show. You know the drill. More tears than humanly possible, baking in mass…
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The best of me
Recently I realized something. I’m too old to be a young widow, and too young to be an old one. I’m kind of stuck in the middle somewhere. My grandmother was the same way. Only 63 when my grandfather died in 1979, she never remarried. She lived to be 98. I’m hopeful I have a…
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I wish you peace
I took another trip to Florida. A short one this time with my mother-in-law and Joe’s sisters. I showed them his favorite place on earth, New Smyrna Beach. After my trip in July, I was worried how this one would go. I didn’t find any peace last time. It was a struggle being there without…
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Be here long
Time has become such a relative thing. While the days are flying by, the moments seem to stand still sometimes. At this moment exactly one year ago I lost my husband. September 22nd at 1:07am. In true Joe form he bargained with the man upstairs, asking to stay those twelve days in ICU so he…
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Over the rainbow
The definition of a year is the time taken by the earth to make one revolution around the sun. It’s been one revolution since I last heard Joe’s voice, felt his arms around me. One revolution since his heart stopped beating and mine broke into a million pieces. One year ago, was the start of…
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Need you now
In the early days of my grief, I recall complaining because I couldn’t seem to dream about my late husband. I needed to dream about him. While he was visiting others in their sleep, he remained absent in mine. When he did finally come to me four months later, I felt such relief. As if…
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September
I have dreaded the month of September’s arrival for the last year. I’ve worried how I would react, wondered if I would break down, even scheduled a trip to not be here on the anniversary of Joe’s death later this month. When I woke this morning, I was relieved to not find the heaviness of…
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It’s amazing
I’m not sure what happened, but lately the weight on my heart has been lighter. I feel like I can see a future in front of me, even without my Joe. Just to type that is hard, but also feels honest and real. It’s almost been a year since he went into cardiac arrest in…
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In loving memory
Words are pouring out of me this week. It’s kind of a momentous week. My mom’s birthday was today, and the anniversary of my dad’s death is tomorrow. Two years my dad has been gone. He went on hospice the day before her birthday, but he waited until the day after to leave us. I…
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Stealing
Some weeks I write nothing, and other weeks I can’t stop. Grief is weird. YouTube didn’t disappoint today. This gem found its way to my ears and the tears found their way out my eyes. Many times, over the last six years of his life, my late husband mentioned that he felt like he was…
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Reminiscing
I reminisce a lot these days. It’s hard not to when memories of my late husband are all around me. Our life is plastered on every wall in our home, on my desk at work, in the photos on my phone. I knew him better than anyone on this earth. We finished each other’s sentences,…
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Gravity
When was the last time you thought about gravity? I turned 60 this year, so of course gravity hasn’t exactly been my friend. And I’m not the most graceful person in the world, so I prove the theory more often than not. But lately that word means something completely different. The gravity of this grief…
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Hanging by a moment
I’ve really be struggling lately with my grief. An entire year has almost gone by since I lost my husband, and some days I feel like it just happened. It feels like an out-of-body experience. Waking every morning to a world that is no longer mine. Wandering through a house filled with our things, covered…
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Life without you
I went on vacation last week. I traveled to Florida with my son, his partner, and the rest of my family. We were there to honor my parents on the same beach we spent most every childhood vacation. Of course, the destination was also where my late husband and I spent most every vacation together…
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The house that built me
We gathered this week, in our childhood vacation spot, to honor my parents. I thought we were there for closure. Our dad passed away in August 2022, mom following in April 2023. They were cremated, did not want any funerals, and their ashes have been sitting in my living room ever since. It’s been an…
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Let’s talk about sex
I’ve read a lot of books on grief over the past ten months. I’ve sat through a few classes, talked with quite a few widows and widowers, and the one subject that has never come up is sex. When my husband died, my sex life, and all the intimacy in my life died with him.…
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A safe place to land
I’ve been reflecting on the past a lot lately and thinking about all of the wonderful qualities my Joe had. We were friends before we were a couple. And a friend was exactly what I needed at that particular point in my life. Joe was so compassionate and the best listener I’d ever known. In…
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Forever young
Well, tomorrow is Joe’s birthday. His first heavenly birthday. He would have been 58 here on earth. But instead, he is forever 57. Forever young. Every year on his birthday I would wake him up and remind him he was only two years younger than me, give him a kiss, and proceed to spend the…
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Times like these
I joined a new online grief group recently. I was looking for answers. It only took reading a dozen posts to realize there wasn’t a single person there who could answer my questions, because grief is such an individual journey. Of course, the individual journey continues, and with it comes days of sadness that are…
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Nothing compares to you
I have this habit of pulling up YouTube videos, picking one song and then letting the algorithm pick the rest of what I’m going to listen to for the day. I’ve been stuck in Chris Cornell’s music for days now. Soundgarden, Temple of the Dog, Audioslave. His voice was perfection. He could have sung the…
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All you need is love
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about a potential future relationship. I mean A LOT of thinking. I have a lot of time on my hands these days. Anyway, the thought of dating scares the shit out of me. A friend asked me what I would be looking for in a man? I’ve…
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I remember you
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was like a Hallmark movie only Joe & I were the actors. I’m sure this is because my tv has been on the Hallmark channel non-stop since he passed away. It’s the only thing that has no drugs, no screaming, no killing, no crime. I don’t really…
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Starting over
I’ve come to the realization that if I want my life to be filled with love again, I need to step out of my comfort zone. Nothing is going to change unless I take a leap of faith. I don’t know if that means joining a dating service, or just reaching out to single men…
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Firm foundation
These are my parents, Jim & Shirley. My parent’s love story is one for the ages. Married for 67 years, they met in 1955. Both were serving in the United States Air Force in Texas. Mom worked in the post office on base and dad was in flight school. He stopped in to get his…
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Missing you
Someone asked me yesterday how I was doing. I told them I was doing pretty well, and I truly believed that. I went home last night after work, finished the project I’d started in my kitchen, spent a little time with the girls outside while they tried to find the bunnies under the shed, watered…
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The Dogfather
My husband Joe was THE BEST DOG DAD. He had many dogs in his life including Bogey the Great Dane, Sammy the Beagle-mix, and of course Grace & Hope the crazy rescues that I still have today. Joe treated his dogs like royalty. They all lived indoors, slept in bed with him, loved his barbecue…
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It’s okay to be okay
Throughout my grief journey many people have told me “It’s okay to not be okay”, and they were right. There are no rules when it comes to grief. Someone came up with the stages of grief a very long time ago (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance). And all those things do happen, but they don’t…
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Life imitating art
A friend posted yesterday she was selling her late husband’s car and that opened a chasm of emotions for her and her kids. It’s so hard to let go of the things that connect us to our loved ones. I reached out to her, reminding her to be gentle with herself and to hang on…
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Who knew?
I was talking with my sister-in-law the other day about an upcoming trip we’re going on. Joe’s mom and his sisters are coming with me to the beach in the fall. I wanted them to see where Joe loved to be. And while we are there, we’ll be leaving some of him behind in his…
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What’s in a name?
Widow. What’s the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word widow? I used to think of that deadly black spider. My Joe probably thought of Scarlett Johansson in those tight leather pants from The Avengers. Now it means so much more. If you mention you’re a widow to a stranger, their…
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Led by example
When my husband was just a child he lost his father suddenly. His death had a profound impact on my Joe, but as luck would have it, he would get another chance to have a father. His mom remarried and Joe and his little sister were adopted by their stepfather. When Joe and I married…
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Friends who are family
Over the weekend I spent some time at our best friend’s home for their granddaughter’s birthday. They live on a family compound in a tiny northeast Oklahoma town not far from me. Their property is beautiful. Filled with bridges crossing streams, trees everywhere, a giant vegetable garden, and fun and games all around. We spent…
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Sometimes love just ain’t enough
I fell down the big black hole of grief today. Deep into the hole. It’s been a while. It started with my mammogram screening. As I sat in that little room waiting to be called back, all I could think about was “what if something’s wrong” and “how would I go through that alone”. Next…
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Far behind
I found a sticky note under my desk pad this morning. I’d forgotten I put it there last summer with a list of all the concerts I bought tickets for. This was Joe’s 57th birthday present. I learned quickly the very best gifts for him were anything that had to do with music. We gave…
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Memory in your mind
Over the last eight months, the memories that Facebook reminds me of have been so hard to see. Happier times filled with smiles and laughter. I miss those times to my core. Today marks one year since our very last vacation we ever took together. We visited our favorite little beach town, New Smyrna Beach,…
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Some things I’ll never know
Are there days where you feel like you are really handling your grief well? You actually feel like you can breathe again? Like you’ve accepted your reality and you’re moving forward? And then, out of nowhere, you get hit by that grief bus and you’re right back where you were in the beginning. Today is…
WidowSpeak - Random thoughts after losing my husband 